I tell you this honestly I can’t wait to die.
quick, we need to passionately make out for science
I feel a rush of undeniable inspiration call it the last of my endorphin’s making an exit through the synapses of my brain but it has excited me beyond all belief. Serotonin, dopamine, releasing emotion. It’s ironic, considering I don’t consider the life span in front of me long… But I feel almost like these are my last days. My wonderful beautiful last days and I shouldn’t be seeing it like this I know. I normally don’t. I see these moments, usually, with the somber despotism that they so deserve. But tonight I feel as if all is possible. And really it is. My life can do whatever it wants because I will be dead and that’s the point of dying. To make life that much more precious. Even for those who don’t want it. Let me reiterate, anything could happen. I can see my dreams come true. I can go to the airport tomorrow and watch the sunrise. I can work hard, my lover could notice me. It could all happen. But then… I see depressions ugly head rear in as it reminds me that the things out of my control are still and constantly will be out of my control. And this is fine. That is after all why I’m dying. For the things I can’t control. But for the things I can change I will. These last 7 days (one of which now ending) I will make my life worth it in the following ways.
- airport sunrise
-early morning love letter
-embracing my hobby
-getting unbelievably high
It will all happen and this list is neither concise nor comprehensive. There is so much left to do in this world! But, yet, it motivates me not the least to live one more day extra than what I want to. Because the goodness of life, the very will to live has be usurped of me. And this is both beautiful and sad. Or possibly just sad. Speaking from the view of the one, me, I can’t tell what my emotions are doing. That is why I’m lucky to not be lead by emotions anymore. Like a paralyzed man I have severed the nerves to my emotions. I think in terms of logic pining always for heart. Logically I know my death must come and will. To end the pain, the suffering. But my pining, hopeful heart fights on to live a life that is not marred by emptiness. And it will fight until it stops beating which will be relatively soon actually. And I know all this is just some angsty teenagers pseudo-meaningful post. I’ve been shown this of course I know but maybe it reflects not on how I want to seem angsty and pseudo-meaningful, but it reflects on how unknowingly my life has flown throughout my past. And how at last I will put it at an end. An end that I will see to fruition. And end that will bring me absolution. And I’m happy about it? I’m happy and scared and all those things you are and are not supposed to be. I am alive for the first time and really I’ve never felt more dead. More disassociative. And really if you wanted a perfect blueprint of Borderline Personality Disorder this is it. I don’t know what this post was meant to accomplish but it got the emotion out. And again I’ve posed a question that will never be answered. It will never be answered.