So me and my best friend started watching Desperate Housewives and it’s like our guilty pleasure and it’s a complete us thing we’ve kinda been doing as a best friend activity and I don’t want to gush but a few days ago a few of our friends told us they wanted to watch it with us too and Myles pulls me to the side and tells me “Could we not involve anyone else in watching the show, this is our guilty pleasure!” and like it’s nice to have a best friend who wants to do something with just you because it’s like just a you and them thing. Friends are so important guys. Everyone deserves a best friend :)
I’m giving up. I’m letting go. There’s no point anymore. Just fall asleep until your life falls apart, until you have nothing to live for. Then you die, in your sleep.
You ever hate yourself so much you take pleasure in hurting yourself.
I just feel like my life is so pathetic. Everyday I feel like I’m just hanging on while the people around me are succeeding. And I’m sorry, I am jealous of your life. I’m jealous of all of it. I’m jealous of your happiness, I’m jealous of your perfect little relationship, I’m jealous of your sexuality, I’m jealous of your popularity, I’m jealous of your intelligence. I can’t stop finding things that I want in you. And it makes me jealous and I feel like the most disgusting piece of shit for thinking this. I feel like the most horrible awful person for being jealous at the person I care about the most. I want to be better. I want to be happy for you. But I have no idea how to do that. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to stop. Maybe I can’t stop. Maybe this jealousy will tear me apart. And it will tear me apart from you. And then… Then I’ll die. But I need to fight I need to fight hard I know I do. I need to fight. But it’s so hard and please if you read this know I don’t mean to do this, I don’t want to be jealous, I can’t control it. I see my life and I see it as such shit. I’m sorry. As long as I see my life as shit I’m not going to be able to get over it.
I really hate to fucking say this and I wish I could keep it private but writing about it helps. I have been consumed by jealousy and anger lately. I am jealous at my best friends for their lives. I am consumed by it. I see the happiness that they have and I just keep thinking WHY. All I ever wanted was the happiness that they have. I suffer so much I suffer everyday for just to hope to taste the happiness that my friends are constantly living in all day. It makes me angry it upsets me it makes me feel like a horrible person. I just feel so fucking cheated out of life. I feel so cheated and hurt. I’ve suffered and what do I have to show for it? My friends haven’t suffered and they get everything that I could ever dream of. Dream relationships, dream popularity. I can’t live my life wishing I was living my best friends life. I need to stop that. But it’s so hard when everytime I hear his story I get green with envy because it’s literally the life I’ve always dreamed of and he doesn’t know that. He can’t control the good that happens to him just like I can’t control the bad that happens to me. It just makes me so angry. And it’s so many different types of anger. I’m angry and jealous and I’m angry at myself for being jealous. I should be happy for my friend, for all my friends I should be so happy that good stuff is happening to a person I care about. Then why is it that all I think about is “Why isn’t it me?” Why isn’t it ever me. I’m going to fall back into depression and I’ve been fighting it so hard all day. I’m just so angry I want to scream I want to fucking vent. I want to just cut my emotions out but then if I do that I kill myself. There’s no winning. I just don’t want to lose my best friend. I want to get over my jealousy of his life so that I don’t lose him. And damn it I will get over it. I care about him too much. But damn it this is hard.